Words of wisdom from the (clearly) less than wise.

Given that it is the end of one year and the beginning of a new one, I thought I would share my words of wisdom from the (clearly) less than wise.

1) Do not try to iron your clothes while wearing them, even if it is just a little crease at the bottom of a knee length skirt. Iron marks on one's stomach are hard to explain.

2) Look in the mirror before you leave the house, especially if you have put on an old pair of sunglasses because you couldn't find your new ones. one would not wish to be downtown chatting with everyone you know, only to discover that, while the old glasses are on your face, the new ones are perched atop your head.

3) Never hold something in one hand while spray painting it with the other. Particularly when using black, enamel spray paint.

4)If wearing 5 inch platform shoes, be cautious where you step and steer clear of anything that might draw attention if you fall. Things such as a clanging metal garbage can, or a room full of people who may already be wondering why anyone would try to wear such ridiculously high heels.

5) Chip Dip is not an acceptable substitute for mayonnaise in a tuna fish sandwich.

6) If wearing a snug, fitted skirt, make doubly sure it is not inside out before you leave the house. You would not want to wander all over town for the afternoon, only to discover as you come home, that the tags have been flapping wildly in the wind and all the loose threads from the seams have been trailing behind you all day.

7) Don't think that you can spray sparkles on a cieling as you stand underneath it. What goes up, must come down. Being downtown before realizing that one is covered with glitter, from head to toe, clothes, skin, hair and even shoes, causes a lot of head turning.

8) Never try to use an electric cookie gun unless you have a professional clean up crew on speed dial.

9) Do not ever try to touch up anything with spray paint while you are wearing nice clothes. Not even one tiny spray.

10) When trying on a blouse with no stretch, be sure it is big enough or bring scissors into the change room. It is difficult to explain banging off the walls of the change room and emerging with wild hair and with sweat running down your face.

11) Never touch up something with spray paint as you lean it up against the back of your mother's couch ( Okay...I was only 15).

12) Don't turn in circles to the music while in a stand up tanning booth. Especially if you are at all claustrophobic. One might think the door would be easy to find, but they would be wrong. The last thing someone would want would be a hyperventilating, screaming scene as you crash about in your goggles and tanning booth 'attire' until you eventually fall through the door.


13) If you are referring to a salesman from a furniture store called “The Bedroom”, make sure that you specify that, before telling a room full of people that you only know him from the bedroom.

14) If you carefully file all of your receipts in a crumpled ball in the glove box of you car, do not try to iron them for the accountant. The entire receipt will turn black.

15) Screaming, while leaping out of a closet as your husband walks through a darkened room, does not mean he will find it hilarious.

16) When wrapping giant parcels for shipping, in the back seat of your car realize that you may well appear somewhat dishevelled as you drag the parcel into the bus station. If your hair is askew, your clothes are twisted and you are out of breath, it is probably best not to remark to the kids behind the counter “I didn’t think I would get it here in time because I just did it in the backseat on the car.”

17)  If using a full service gas station, it is best to know which side your gas tank is on before you pull up. In the event you have made a mistake, notice the behaviour of the attendants as you carefully back up, reposition, back up again, and do an elaborate turn around. If they are doubled over laughing, wiping tears from their eyes, the chances are you have pulled up on the same side as you did the first time.

18) When using a full service gas station, have a clear idea of where the automatic gas cap opener is, as opposed to the trunk opener. Recognize the great restraint being used by the attendant as he (calmly and with a straight face) tells you your trunk is now open and can you please open the gas cap.

19) Know well how all of your electric windows work if using a full serve gas station. One would not want to be trying to be cool, opening the window as the attendant is approaching the car, only to discover as you smash your handful of money into a closed drivers window that you actually opened the back window by mistake. One must remain patient with the laughter of gas station attendants.

20) If the car is making an irritating noise, it might be best not to turn up the stereo to drown it out while you keep driving.

21) Driving in platform shoes may cause extra wear and tear on your vehicle. Apparently, some people get more than 6 months out of a set of brakes.

22) Be absolutely certain the eye brow pencil you use, really is black rather than navy blue…..especially if you are in the mall with a kid who loudly asks why you have navy blue eyebrows.